Page against the demean… 

Page against the demean… 

I’m angry. I’ve been angry for some time but what am I going to do? Take to the Internet and tweet in a phenomanly venomous fashion? Nah, that just begets more rage and makes me more angry.

I used to hold enormous amounts of rage. I was a misanthropic auteur who wrote nasty stuff. As I’ve got older I’ve mellowed. I’m still partial to cathartic depreciation of humanity, and I love a god horror or a good written elucidation of suffering… But I’m not the person I once was.

Wells Craven once said, when asked about his early work, that he didn’t know where we all the rage came from in things like Last House On The Left and Hill Have Eyes.

I look back at my early work, of which I have lots, and I feel the same. I was evil!

Okay, life has made me this way and my new book does deal with a killer plague wiping out humanity, but these days I’m all about a little more hope… Character development into love…. Some niceness amongst the quagmire of degradation.

One thing that gets me angry in the world, apart from people, is politics. I tried to engage once in the world of politics but found the vitriolic opinions and sniping vituperation of keyboard warriors too frustrating!

I’m a fan of context. Something newspapers and rolling news stations are not. There is so little context in the world that politics is now more like a WWE pay per view event where veracity and opinion is list in the hyperbole. 

Matt Taibbi, writer of Insane Clown President, spoke of news becoming obsolete. We now purchase our news via opinions which validate our own. News is everywhere, twitter to blogs – BBC to Facebook, we can seek out the version we like and then broadcast it ourselves. 

Truth is now impossible amongst perception fuelled by self righteousness and personal belief. We are so polarised now between left and right, rich and poor that the world is unable to find Middle ground. Calm conversation is impossible because that’s boring and the greatest reality show of all time – the news – is about ratings!

So more people are moving away from politics as they see no victory, same thing every time and no win for the average person. Trump, Brexit, Corbyn, Farage,  Coalition… All these things in recent years have happened for a reason and that reason behind the extremity is the depth in which we need to explore.

Trump played the election like a reality TV star, the news lapped it up and, as his dual with Clinton descended into playground quarrels and childish shouting matches, the news lapped it up more and more!

It’s all nonsense and, in the end, do we benefit?

It was this anger which prompted my viewpoint for Tapeworm Slim 2. Write the apocalypse from two points of view. 

A political behemoth – the capitalist Prime Minister who had no concept of humanity – and a broken nurse who deals with unimaginable stress and is tasked with leading a small band of survivors away from two killer plagues… 

One is a virus and the other is a clueless band of politicians who simply don’t care.

The villain is the one who is elected to protect us.

Its all a way of making sense of the world, getting dystopian and spinning some satire on a world which I feel so disconnected with. 

So I’m still angry… I’m still raging against the machine but I’m finding different ways of dealing with that anger and alternating motivations to plumb and pick from. 

Tapeworm Slim 2 deals with the end of the world if it was left only to the political elite to solve. Remove the death and see only what our great leader sees… Write my perception of how I think a politician would deal with the most contagious pandemic in history.

It’s just another opinion on a devolving world… But it’s been a gas to write!!! 

Whatever happens in Tapeworm Slim 2…. Rest assured we will NOT all be in this together!!!

Tapeworm Slim 2 lands in 2018… The claustrophobic first part of this story is on sale on amazon now. 

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Getting picky with it… The madness of starting a new book! 

Getting picky with it… The madness of starting a new book! 

So, now the final draft of Tapeworm Slim 2 is well under way and I have revealed more details to my Facebook followers… It is time to commence my fourth book, “Skin”, into the planning stage. With no work set to start on it – on a keyboard and blank laptop screen that us – it leaves me at the character/story/structure phase.

You see, I know what Skin will be about and much if the story but, to get it clear in my head,  I have to act out the key scenes of the book. This means many conversations with myself and bizarre acting, where I pretend to be two people and argue in an empty room, so I can pad the scenes out! I’ve had many arguments, duologues and screaming matches when everyone else is out the house! The neighbours must love me… Different voices, full scale arguments and late night music with particularly dark songs on repeat! 

To some… It may seem like a completely weird form of sociopathy, either arguing feverishly with oneself or pleading eternal love into a mirror, but it remains a ritual I have to do to beat my story into shape. My characters need to be alive and so, to do this, I need to enact crucial moments of the story so I know what falls where. 

It’s fun to be psychotic at times… 

… And it’s nice to let creative juices bleed out whilst no one else us around and I decide just how I will represent my characters throughout the twelve month writing process. 

Skin will be dark, personal and challenging. Having just done a massive pandemic and political commentary on Tapeworm Slim 2, I want to return to something more intimate. 

To do this, I’m shaping some evil characters, some damaged ones and a relentless one who is cursed with malignant pride. So I’m breaking each chapter down into scenarios and giving each character mirror time to see how their personal fit the story. 

I don’t want to write the same people I’ve just done over two Tapeworm Slim novels, so I need to create new and fleshed out people who deserve a lengthy chunk of my life.

Tapeworm Slim 2 lands March next year and I need a break from that world, before I conclude it with part 3, and Skin was an idea which hit me – as I traversed the hospital car park to work no less – and the motivation has increased since! I haven’t been this excited about something for a long, long time so I’m ready to leave slimming pills behind for a bit and set up a whole new world of darkness!

My lead character has even required some method writing at times, intoxicated nights of sitting in the darm with some very intense music playing on my headphones, as she needs a specific darkness and a three dimensional believability to bring her to life as an intense character. 

Method writing is fun!!! Looking forward to more of it over the coming months as I start in earnest!

I’ve not been on here much recently, due to the fact I’ve had to work lots of overtime at work as I’m not a pro writer (I wish) and editing Tapeworm Slim 2 has been a monster task. Anyway, it’s my day off and I’m going to settle down for a well earned relax! Can’t be mad, sad and weird all the time. If I was living as one of my characters too much I might lose myself too much! Sometimes you have to just think of the sea and enjoy these long winter nights… 

Tapeworm Slim is in sale now at Amazon, the sequel lands in March 2018! 

Returning through the dark…. 

Returning through the dark…. 

It’s been a long time since I came on here. Mostly, that has been due to time constraints as finishing the first draft of Tapeworm Slim 2 has been a mammoth task which has almost drained me of life.

Secondly, as I do not yet have the luxury of full time writing, I have to plan my writing around work, childcare and other family events. That pesky family… Always getting in the way (insert smiley emoji of your choice here). 

But I am nearly finished editing first draft of TS2 and so my attentions turn back to my website. In the past I have talked about horror films and influences but I feel I have no further way forward on this now. So what to type about? 

I’m going to pick many topics of the singularity which has pushed me into writing horror books and mostly why I chose the path I chose for TS2. 

Politics. Why on earth I chose to change the direction of a haunted house/lab testing/creepy horror into a political thriller which is expansive and introduces a WHOLE NEW cast of people. 

I have never written anything which I feel is generic. I despise randomly retreding territory which has been trodden by others. For example, in Bezmel’s Vespiary I wanted to do Zombies but zombies are at saturation point. Even Danny’s Boyle reinvented the zombie/infected type on his brilliant 28 days later. 

So when I made zombies I made them dissociative creatures born into aimless wandering and apathy by torture. 

Same with Tapeworm Slim. I wanted a claustrophobic horror with a terrifying antagonist but I wanted it to be about something very relevant to modern life that was, amidst all the fat fetched goes and psychosis, quite relatable. Also I wanted a villain who was purely suffering romero acute mental illness and hair her motives as much as she dehumanised people. Sahara Scared isn’t evil… She’s just a very unwell woman. 

In TS2 it’s all about the medication going mass market and the idea of purely doing a mass destruction, apocalyptic story bored me. So I chose one band of survivors and the Prime Minister himself,  who is so corrupt that he actively seeks out ways to further his political career than help the millions dying. 

I shall explore my political motivations later in my next post but, rest assured, that for now all you need to know is that I feel politics doesnt represent me as a person or human. Also, never before has the political landscape been so diametrically split, obfuscated by spin and changed by the vision of media and self perception. 

Our once promising species now devolving into selfishness… 

So I’m back, a little conflicted and enjoying my writing again. Forgive the pretentious pictures of me throughout this post, it’s there to represent my inner dissolution over the past year and how much negativity entered my writing. It amazes me how pessimistic I am at times! 

Already though, book 4 is at the planning stage and will be a psychological thriller/Freudian horror on a subject very personal to me. It’s going to take time to get right but my next main protagonist will be a different challenge to write for! Alongside that I want to get back to short stories again to break up the year long slog of writing novels. And then there is the question of Tapeworm Slim 3.

It will be the final book and I mean FINAL! 

But I’ve been with Scarred and her Tapeworms for four years now and I need a break. For TS3 to be a thrilling conclusion I need to see other people, write other stories and let Sahara go for a bit until I am ready to spend time with her and the cast again. 

So there you have it! Musings laid out and I already feel better for being back on here! 

Catch you soon and, if you want, links to my books are in the top menu widget if you so fancy! 

Nightmares… The oil of a writers creation!

Nightmares… The oil of a writers creation!

146939349735499Like any writer, I have bouts of creativity, streams of consciousness and writers block. This is the same for any artist. However, as a horror writer, I have one pool of resource which is like striking oil…

Nightmares!

Many things have inspired my work. The last book, Tapeworm Slim was because of repeated time in hospital and also facing mortality and the claustrophobia of operating theatres. The sequel, Tapeworm Slim 2, is more political and comes from a position of feeling enfeebled in a world which is dominated by idiots, politicians and the wealthy.

However, I suffer from a condition which tends to influence my writing on a daily basis. Chronic nightmares.

Recently I have been chased, isolated, abandoned, operated on, threatened, mocked, laughed, felt a presence growing in my head and also been aware that someone is in the room when I am lucid dreaming. I have figures of distortion, bodies of contortion and even raucous malformation of shapes and senses. I have woken up five times alone this month in a cold sweat thanking the lord I am not dead as I was about to be in my sleep.

Some of this has come from the life changing surgery I had on my heart just four weeks ago. Lots of it is anxiety about the future, my sense of depersonalisation and the defects my self esteem and social anxiety has on me. Yet some of it is just fantastic junk! Detritus left over from horror films, computer games and even a late night brain testing viewing of active shutter 3D spectacle of San Andreas when my eyes were hurting from the screen and my head was calmed via too much codeine and a splash of Guinness.

The great thing about all this is that it bleeds into my work. Now I wish I could write a book a week because some dreams are so vivid they tell a story right there and then! I want to get up and just type the horror film my mind has been moulding round my skull!….. But this is impractical. Its just not possible and each novel takes me about 18 months to complete! Therefore, to avoid fifteen hundred manuscripts only three pages deep, the dreams either get stored in the “next project” file or they get added into the current story which is great because, although each book is mapped out in my head there are times when it is exciting to find that missing piece, change a direction to keep it fresh orr add something that is very scary for both myself and the reader.

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Sometimes, its just the effect which influences the work. That feeling of being so scared and vulnerable that it needs to be bled out onto a page.

Tapeworm Slim 2 is not a conventional horror story. Its political, spread across the country and… I cant say anymore without giving away my ideas! However, part 3 is set to become something else  but I need a break from the world of grotesque slimming devices and the next story needs to be challenging and something different. Part of me wants to do a claustrophobic horror film…. Small place, diminishing light and a very reduced scale where there is just something wrong, something dangerous and something which could cause harm.

Then part of me wants to write about the sea, space, natural disasters….

I’ve no idea where the future is taking me but I am excited.

So why are nightmares such a rush?

When I was a child (aged 14 up) I watched scary and gory films to give myself nightmares because it was controlled fear at a time where my life was so miserable it was nice to watch perfect teenagers get slaughtered by Jason, be terrified by Freddy and simply gasp at the gore of Hellraiser! There were no Human Centipedes, Saw or Hostel in those days so the banned films I watched are very tame now in comparison. Yet I loved to be scared. I loved the bad dreams. I loved feeling in danger whilst going to the loo at midnight whilst halfway through Halloween. There is no feeling like pure terror yet knowing that you are being silly and its just a film. Over time I pushed myself more and more and the effect wore thin.

Since my heart crash in 2012 and my double figure ambulance rides and double figure admissions in the past four years, life has become scary for real so film is an escape but my perceptions, tolerances and yearning has also changed. I still love a so bad its good movie, but I want more than just gore and some things which never bothered me now really upset me which is weird.

Yet as a writer, I make sense of the world through etching my perception onto paper. So nightmares are my brain just having a gravity and solar flare surge of remembrance, junk and sorting…

…But the feelings are real and this rich pool of cognition and sensation simply builds in its own reservoir!

Plus there is still the anger of all the injustice in the world!

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So where does this leave me? Well, its bed time and once again time for a mind of anxiety, fear and writers frustration to just blend a mad, mad world inside its neurological wonder! If I wrote comedy, drama, thriller or romance my dreams would be of no help. Yet, as a horror writer, they are my most valuable resource! My oil when I am dry and something my mind drills for when I really don’t want it too.

If you want a nightmare yourself, get a copy of my book Tapeworm Slim on Amazon or from the menu link at the top. It is indeed the stuff of nightmares. Be a nice prep for part 2 which is due in 2017.

Tapeworm Slim is on sale now!

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Oh It’s Good To Be Back

Oh It’s Good To Be Back

So its been a few weeks since my last post and there is a good reason for that.

Life changing and life saving heart surgery.

Quite simply the biggest and most traumatic surgery I have ever been through! But, after nearly a week in intensive care and now two weeks at home I finally have the faculties to get back to writing again! So where does this leave me and Tapeworm Slim 2?

When I was in hospital 2 years ago it was the inspiration for my magnum opus book! It was simply the whole reason it got written, as cited in previous blogs, was because of experiences in theatre and the whole feeling of being alone and scared to death.

But having had surgery and spent a recovery time learning to walk again and having PTSD from some of the procedures the whole thing has somewhat left me fractured inside.

So gone is all the rage and fear from the first book and I am now just worried, appreciative of life and a general sense I am going to be sick all the time! Although that’s just the medication!!!

I am left with a new life, one where I have big pieces of metal in my heart, I’m a higher risk of stroke but I will have more energy and a greater ability to endure and enjoy life. Its a whole new perspective. I have only returned to writing a few days ago but, as I reach the one quarter mark of Tapeworm Slim 2, the content may start to reflect a different me.

Its worrying in a way, this fractured and yet rebuilt version of myself, doesn’t quite know how to feel about things. Plus I am still recovering from a 9 hour heart operation so I don’t feel great. So what does this mean for all the characters in Tapeworm Slim 2?

It doesn’t change the arc of the story but the content and direction of some of the characters may!

I cant write for too long due to the fact that my ribcage hasn’t fused so I am still in pain but my intention is to return to blogging more often now. As for the writing, I’m still loving it but, like my characters, I need some time to make sense of things. I never thought this would affect me like it has. The plan is still late 2017 release but where parts of it go now I don’t know!

Tapeworm Slim 2 isn’t horror in the strictest sense, its more vast, political and has a great charged love story at the centre, so there is less gore and torture than the first one. Yet I feel different and, as all my life experiences contribute to my writing, its going to be interesting to see where this one goes now!

I’m lucky to be alive, still a dad, looking at new challenges but I now have a whole new piece of my heart to get used to.

So forgive all the altered images of myself as its all expressive, why not click on the menu above and buy a copy of my book Tapeworm Slim and read an exert of the last surgical nightmare of my life before this one!

Tapeworm Slim is on sale now!

Shot of an attractive young woman lying in bed with cramps

 

Deep sea or deep space? Which is more captivating

Deep sea or deep space? Which is more captivating

May 17

As I write this I am already feverishly about 10% the way through Tapeworm Slim 2. I don’t like writing similar/same books and therefore the follow up to a claustrophobic horror is much more expansive, more political and even more based on a thriller than a horror. it certainly won’t be as gory as the first. I can’t say anymore without giving away what I am doing BEFORE I have even finished it.

After that though, even though there will be final part, I think I may have a break for a while and start working on something else. The world of Tapeworms and dieting is something I am really enjoying but…. I have yearnings to look at other things. There are two areas I am torn between. Space and sea. Both have captivated me since I was a little boy and both have a huge amount of inspiration and potential to become immerses in.

Firstly the sea.

I watched Jaws when I was five and it sparked my love of cinema and also my love of the ocean. As a child I had shark books, ocean books and I have been in love with the deep ever since. I still can’t swim. I’m still completely terrified of falling into water, and maybe that’s where the fear and horror resides. Like Tapeworm Slim had its roots in my fear of hospitals, my fear of the sea is something that fuels my passion for what lies within its glassy abyss. Sea monsters, an unbreathable atmosphere, unknown discoveries and a place where man does not belong.

All things which inspire and tantalise a creative mind.

Then there is space. Aliens, an unbreathable atmosphere, unknown discoveries and a place where man does not belong…… So similar yet so different.

We know more about space than the sea. And the fact we have seen supermassive black holes bigger than the milky way, stars which are well over a billion miles wide and physical forces/properties beyond comprehension. Yet the sea is more accessible, has terrors which we know about and we have been able to sit in cages and get close to the great whites and giant whales which roam the daylight zone.

Giant squids are real but rarely seen, there are still many things unaccounted for and we live in hope of discovering monsters like the extinct Megalodon still swimming in the depths. We have only discovered about 5% of the ocean. What a shocking and exciting thing to flint the brain into sparks of ideas.

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Yet although we know about space there is still so much which is supposition and hope. Scientists are still arguing about many things and the chances of travelling the light years we need to in order to contact alien life is a long, long, very long way away. Are we the only ones? Debate that all you want. One thing is for sure though, we are TINY. A speck of dust within a microcosm of a speck of dust. Even compared to Jupiter we are small, to our sun we are tiny…. And that’s before we get to the giant sun of VY Canis Majoris and the supermassive black hole of the Phoenix Cluster Galaxy. Which make even our solar system look tiny yet alone our little old earth. What a wonderful thing to mine and explore.

Neptune the icy giant with winds of 1000mph and temperatures of -200. Andromeda, the galaxy hurtling towards us at 400,000mph and will collide with us in 4bn years. The increasing violence of our own sun which will mean we have 1 billion years to get off this planet due to the increasing radiation. After that it gets even worse! But how can words like light years, billions, trillions and supermassive be quantified? Amazing stuff to boggle the mind.

Then there is the sea. The deepest part is deeper than mount Everest is tall. Its almost unfathomable and way beyond our reach to explore properly. There is a cluster of creatures and worlds down there we know nothing about. The deep sea covers our world and surely hides things we can only dream of. Not to mention just being in the sea. Jaws captivated that so well. A 25ft great white shark, a true leviathan of the deep yet so plausible. And then once you are in the water. The shark has you. No chance. No possible hope and you are alone in a substance which you are not meant to live. We drink water, we swim in it yes, but we are at the mercy of what is below us.

Both are amazing.

Of course both would have shades of science fiction which is a genre I haven’t written before and I haven’t really been too tempted by but maybe something different would be good.

I always feel that every book should be different. That is why each book of Tapeworm Slim will be a different type altogether. Its something I have always believed in.

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So be it planets and stars or oceans and underwater trenches, I am already pondering where to go. I love writing, I love creating something and once an idea hits and expands it is the most wonderful feeling ever.

But for now its all about diet pills, Tapeworms and the next stage of Dr Scarseed’s story.

I have to say, having a little one has only made these ideas more exciting. Watching Octonauts, reading books about the sea and space and watching videos about mysteries of above and below give a whole new, childlike way of looking at these things which slip away from us once our magic and imagination gets side checked by bills, work, mortgages etc.

So there we are. This week is all about inspiration and excitement.

As ever, you can read what I have already written by clicking on the menu link at the top.

Tapeworm Slim is on sale now.

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You can follow Chris Lowe is on Twitter https://twitter.com/_chlowe_

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Nightmares in hospital & Jeremy Hunt’s NHS Human Centipede!

Nightmares in hospital & Jeremy Hunt’s NHS Human Centipede!

Blog May

Well I’ve had a bad week. Admitted as an emergency to Hospital for important Cardiac surgery…. And that was only part 1! The second part of the operation is even bigger. But I am not here to bludgeon you with my history and problems, dear readers, this is a site about horror and the influences behind my Tapeworm Slim 1 & 2 stories.

The great thing about being a horror fan in hospital is it offers you a fantastic sense of humour whilst scaring the sh*t out of you at the same time. I have truly had my worst panic attacks in hospital and these are something that, even at the tender age of 40, I am still enduring. This time, when I went for surgery it was a flashback to the time where I was still awake and they were prepping the tools and covering me with antiseptic which inspired my book. Yet again this happened and, although everyone in the hospital was amazing, I could hardly breathe as I was still awake, naked and had about five people around me tampering with metal knives and odd tubes!

I have a pathological fear of hospitals yet, paradoxically, I love them! I think that duality of weirdness was what got me working in one like I do at the moment!!!!!!!!!!!

I always think of hospitals from horror films when I am admitted. Heiter performing surgery in The Human Centipede, Freddy “Well it ain’t Doctor Seuss” in Elm Street 4, the infamously deleted Cenobite scene in Hellraiser 2, the Silent Hill nurses and countless more which I have seen over the years.

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In this country there is a lot of worry about the health service. There are concerns that we are facing privatisation from an omnivorous Tory government and that the service can no longer cope.

Utter crap. Its an amazing service.

Now I wont preach here, because this is not about last week, but the amount of hard work and care I received was amazing. Our NHS simply needs funding not cutting. I could now write a 50000000000000 word dissertation on the political abuse of our hospitals but I am not going to. Not today anyway.

This blog comes in two stages. First part serious and about the book. Second part a little more light hearted!

So where was I? Oh yes the serious part, hospital panic attacks! Marvellous things because there is so much inspiration in them! Much of Tapeworm Slim is set inside a private clinic/research facility and this comes from three aspects of hospital issues.

Firstly is the isolation and trust you place in surgeons when they operate. You give them 100% faith and The Facility where Scarseed unwittingly tortures her 8 subjects comes from this trust as they are all her own NHS patients when she recruits them from the ward.

The second aspect is privatisation. The Facility is owned by a billionaire owner of an insidious company and what goes on behind those walls are all at his design. My fears about hospitals going into those hands percolates throughout the book.

Thirdly is the procedures themselves. The things we go through to be healthy. Anyone who has had surgery knows about the scars, pain and recovery which can affect your whole life and this too permeates the entire depth of the book once the Tapeworms go beyond the control of the endocrinology which is supposed to control them.

Its funny as well how vulnerable you become in hospital. And how embarrassing that can be. Grown men, career women and also me can be reduced to feeling so humiliated when we have to get someone to assist us with the toilet or cry when we get a needle in our arm. Its not any easy life being stuck in bed all day!…. Unless that bed is your own, facing a large TV, takeaway on one side and wine on the other and any other erotic/private add ons you need! My god, no wonder my heart is so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last week was a wonderful inspiration yet again to keep writing Tapeworm Slim 2, which is now already 10% complete! It was a fantastically scary experience which I can only metabolise through the cathartic process of writing. But, like other people getting drunk at 3:00am and listening to moody music and getting an intoxicated stream of creative consciousness, I seem to get my best inspirations from hospital admissions!

Sometimes, joking and writing about things, or even exaggerating things through literary gore is the only way of managing emotions properly. Writing isn’t just a tool for me, its a way of life, coping and something I enjoy so much so that’s why I channel much time into it!

Blog May 6

But the political pressures, paranoia over healthcare and fear of being sick/unable to afford treatment are very real problems and something which the “arrogant, dangerous and incompetent” Sahara Scarseed saw and tried to fix with her revolutionary new pill which was going to save the NHS billions…

…Before it all went horribly wrong before her eyes!

Blog May 5

So what would save the NHS? Who is as insane as Scarseed and what could they offer our hospitals?

What if Doctor Heiter was the cheapest consultant Jeremy Hunt could find to run the NHS???!!!!!!!!!!

The UK’s first NHS centipede!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, firstly, Mr Hunt could finally afford his seven day NHS as all non urgent patients would be in hospital AND waiting in line! Simply join the back of the queue and when a bed becomes available we will unhook your mouth pop you off the line, and into that bed! Hospital food bills would come down by thousands if you only had to feed those in bed and the head of the centipede! Finally patients would be self sufficient! And if there was a winter diarrhoea bug break out, its all contained! No issues there, just pop a tray at the back!

Also, constipation is bad for the heart…. And repeatedly re-digested stools aren’t going to stick are they?

Private patients would avoid the queue and pay for a bed straight away! The rest of us simply stuck in our line, on our hands and knees, and getting sh*t directly from the person in front of us as opposed to it being fed to us via the newspapers and TV from our politicians! A political sh*t bypass!

Also, not sure how many would want to come to the hospital so patients wasting time would be down!

And hire Silent Hill nurses! They only move when there is noise! They can stand still for up to twelve hours! Just hours of standing there, not wanting a break or unsociable hours pay! Okay, all they seem to do is stick sharp objects in people and have a dislike of Sean Bean but they can administer the anti-biotics if anyone needed it and then go back to sleep standing up! You’d only need a few to manage the waiting line of conjoined people!

All this money saved Jeremy!….. Hang on…. He might be getting ideas…. He is already under pressure from the junior doctors (I fully support them!) and this may be a headline out of his NHS woes…. I could end by being the reason he decides to privatise it and give the proles the pede treatment!!!!!! I will stop going on about it now!

I have to say, I’d still rather have heart surgery than have my teeth out! Dear god that terrifies me so much I cant even write about it. I’ve had a few out in my time and it is a genuinely grotesque experience! And I was going to watch Saw 1-7 again recently but…….Nothing like a trip to theatre to ruin the love for a torture porn movie!

So I am at home  and writing again which is the one good thing to come out of this week. My third book is under way and going well. Its completely different to the first yet shares the same DNA and, I promise, wont be as gross as the first.

The first book you can buy now from the link at the top.

Blog May 7

Tapeworm Slim is on sale now!