Volume 1 – ADVENTURES IN FAECES!
There are some things in life which are more scary than anything Jigsaw, Freddy, Jason or a pea soup spitting little girl can offer…. Things which cause us real terror and can leave us thinking “NO! PLEASE NO! THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!”
So this week, its all about the toilet! The one place we are all tied to and the many inconveniences it brings which, sometimes, cause immense distress more terrifying than anything a great horror writer has to offer!
Number 1 – No lock on the toilet door!
I remember my first sixth form girlfriend and staying the night. The evening was very pleasant but the next day, when I would rather have been in bed, I needed the toilet. On my way through to the water closet facilities I noticed TWO things which made my heart stop.
Toilet about ten feet from the door!
This activates the MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE thought train and within minutes I had put the washing basket against the door, piled old bed sheets around that and then reinforced it with a tiny bin. My god I was terrified! A lady who actually liked me and here I was desperate to sit on the loo but torn between neuroticism and desperation! Nothing ends a date like seeing someone on the loo and if you need more than a pee…. Then its all hands on deck!
Of course this affects ones physiology! When you see no lock, you become more desperate as time runs out and the bowel turns into the countdown clock and you know that by the time it hits the “de-dum de-dum de-de-de-dum!” you are going to be washing the poo from your pyjamas in her bathtub but, when you actually sit down, the rectum becomes shy and stubborn and refuses to move at pace!
“Nope, we may get interrupted and I cannot perform under pressure soooooooo…. Its gonna be one piece at a time until she is thinking ‘what the hell is he doing and why is he moving all my furniture behind the door?’ but you stay alert eyes, and I will EVACUATE! EVACUATE!”
Honestly, its like my arse is a Dalek!
Of course once you finish and go back its small talk time as you both try and keep the romance whilst a smell worse than the devils armpit seeps under the door and you realise you have been gone for thirty minutes!
Number 2 – Thin walls!
When I moved into a flat in 2006 the loo was right next to the bedroom and I think the builders had cut corners on plasterboard and painted cling film white such was the thinness of the partition between toilet and bedroom.
So, again when I was a single man entertaining a lady, the morning and bed time was a terrible dilemma of orchestral sounds and pantomime in order to stay sexy and avoid embarrassment.
Of course this never happens and you end up in ruination but, once again your body loves to undermine you! Imagine, setting the scene and having too much wine and food before taking someone to bed so you need to Dalek your bowel again and EVACUATE! E-V-A-C-U-A-T-E right before the good bit of the evening!
Firstly, your bottom refuses to stay quiet and decides to caterwaul a cacophony of wind and broken down gasses which echo round the bowl and make even the couple in the bus stop over the road stop and giggle! Then, once again, rectum goes shy and you are sat in there for an AGE whilst she waits patiently… Then checks her phone… Then rifles through your draws… Then has some existential yoga… Then decides she should never have left her ex and so will get dressed and catch the bus to see him.
By the time she has seen him and caught the bus back to break up, I am just surfacing and ready for action.
The morning is worse! You almost have to drug her into a deep sleep so you can relax and then hop to the toilet and loudly COUGH and SING LOUDLY everytime you have a movement.
Laying one sheet of paper on the water does nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Number 3 – No toilet roll!
In some friends and relatives houses its like WHERE IS IT?! And you find yourself feverishly checking every single cupboard and corner but it isn’t there!!!! The bastards have it in the airing cupboard but you’ve already been and cant shuffle across the top of the stairs like an egg bound penguin because they will see you!!!!!!!!!!!!
So instead you search your pockets for everything and end up using last weeks tissue over and over, then a box of tic tacs and, finally, resorting to whatever magazines they have on the floor!
Please, keep your loo roll in the loo! It is all I ask! My nerves are not built for Indiana Jones escapades to find the holy grail of the loo roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Number 4 – Irritable Bowel!
Cheers genetic biology! Not only am I too thin, awkward and unattractive but when I do FINALLY get a date with a female woman of the opposite sex who has boobs and everything, you ensure that nerves and lunch will ruin my evening.
One date in 2006 ended badly. I went to Dudley for a drink with a lady and got nervous so had three pints of Guinness before she even got there. Then got hungry and so ate pork scratching’s and by the time we were thirty minutes in I had to go to the loo.
Then again. And again. And again. And again.
Must have had pulses by mistake at lunch and now, the one thing vaguely interested in me which actually has a pulse (and one that doesn’t set off my sphincter) I am spending more time in the loo than with her. Things got worse once we went for Pizza hut where I had to go another 5 times and ran out of excuses of “making a call, just having a pee, I need some tissues to blow my nose, there is someone I know just going into the loo I shall go and say hello!”……… Suffice to say, that was the end of that chance.
IBS is caused by stress and diet so, whenever I have anything like a job interview or a conversation with another human being….. We may as well conduct it in the loo…. But with ten feet thick steel walls so you cant hear anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or lets not bother at all.
Number 5 – Odour!
Briefly mentioned before but something that will always ruin your hard work.
How many times have I been trying to impress people when you either need to break wind or use the loo and for some reason, your insides smell like you died weeks ago and have been embalmed with chilli sauce.
My first job in the health service and a group of very important men were about, I thought “I will just break wind in the office whilst I am alone!” and then WOE AND BEHOLD…. The odour is so bad even the cockroaches are putting a complaint in to the senior managers. Of course, everyone piles through the door “Oh yes, this is Chris and he is one of our staff nurses!” and you can see all the faces shrivel up as they come to greet me! Its like five men have just bitten a lemon as they gingerly shake my hand and I have NO ONE to blame this on.
Same thing happened once with a trainee nurse and after completing another Ethan Hunt level of impossible mission in breaking wind silently…. I spent twenty minutes talking loudly and SINGING for some reason just because I knew she was aware of what I had done because the smell was so bad it had clogged the air conditioning.
If ever you use the loo at someones house and you want it to have ten minutes clear you can guarantee that soon as you step outside the door…. There is mum of the girl you want to impress heading in to fold towels or have a womanly wee amidst the leftovers from your green fog.
Number 6 – It won’t flush away!
“Is Christopher unwell or something?!”
Flush number 14 and its still there! Bobbing up and down like a playful dolphin who wants a fish! You’ve buried it under toilet paper, you’ve kept your finger on the handle until ALL the water pressure is gone and you have prayed to god to remove your poo but its still bobbing there… Dancing like a member of Bewitched in that Ce La Vie video!
At home you can laugh it off! With friends you take the ribbing but at work or with someone you like….. This is terrible and short of picking it up and throwing it out the window its already reducing your chances with every second it keeps U-Bend teasing…. Only to come back up and smile at you!
What the hell…… Did I eat Helium??!!!!!!
Nathan Drake from the game Uncharted above this line….. Looking for a toilet after crashing that plane no doubt! I couldn’t be an adventurer, I would need a nearby toilet in between crashing planes and fighting bad guys! But its an important thing to a neurotic like me. Where is the nearest loo when I am out.
Please god don’t let me need the loo when I am with someone I am trying to impress.
Like I said, give me a chainsaw wielding monster any day but PLEASE don’t leave me at the mercy of my colon!!!!! Its caused me so much grief!
Anyway, little bit of a different blog this week! Sorry! But writing is influenced by many things and, as TAPEWORM SLIM was conceived whilst I sat on the loo (something I have written about in the preface of the book) sometimes real life is more inspirational than the films and art we love!! My god I am weird… Wonderful, but weird non the less! I think it stems from so many years in hospital…. The scars of bedpans and 1970’s nurses always bothered about my toilet use! Funny though, take away all of our narcissism, wealth, jokes, pretence and clothing…. We are all biological pink things that just need to poo!
Anyway, has this blog has inspired you to read the book?! Hey, this site is all about the writing process behind my magnum opus of a horror story so there are going to be some odd weeks here and there!
Anyway, the menu link at the top of the page takes you to Amazon UK and USA respectively so, by all means, check out the book if, like many people in my life, I haven’t creeped you out with my very odd toilet fixation.
Tapeworm Slim is on sale now!